For centuries, women have been the darlings for men everywhere, or so we have led you to believe! The truth is my lovelies, that we men care more for cars than even the hottest woman on the planet.

Firstly, a car ’s primary usefulness is movement, which in men-speak translates to either movement towards women or movement away from them, depending on how much ‘kindness’ you might bestow upon us for pretending to care why you are sulking. 

Cars don’t ask why when they’ll meet our mums

The second reason we love cars is because they allow us to travel in the company of our mates to places where there are other women (who don’t know you), such as beaches, hotels, theatres, restaurants, nightclubs, etc. Thirdly, the modern man’s car is equivalent to his den, and is a place where he can relax, pass wind, burp and generally enjoy his own space – something we struggle to do with you gagging in the passenger seat. But most importantly girls, the majority of men folk prefer a pretty car to a pretty woman, because pretty cars will lure pretty women to us, but you women can’t bring us any type of car whatsoever. 

By sharing this deep and deeply guarded secret (up till now that is), I am hoping the male fraternity of South Africa will recognize and honour me for the service I am redendering which could be classified as a type of social responsibility; because for some obscure reason, women don’t get that the a car is quite literally an extension of a man’s body, or maybe just one particular aspect of his body! In some instances however, cars merely represent a mirage that it is an extension of our bodies, particularly in terms of size, power and performance – yes, you know what exactly I mean! 

For those ladies who rarely take such dialogue lying down (no pun intended) and have prepared vocal ammunition with which to decimate me with in regard the pronouncements I have made, I have these simple words for you: Calm down and read on, to the results of my ‘‘research’’ on this topic. 

1. A car is more straightforward and easy to understand. 
2. Cars have warning lights which tell us when something is wrong. 
3. Cars will never tell you to dress up when we go out. 
4. You can lower the volume of a car’s sound system or even put it on mute! 
5. Cars don’t tell us we have a beer boep or ask when last we went to the gym. 
6. Cars don’t ask why we haven’t introduced them to our mothers.
7. Cars don’t go to the garage together. 
8. 9. It is significantly less expensive to upgrade a car’s bumpers, yet the aesthetics are just the same. 
9. Cars get along with our male buddies.
10. Cars don’t mind if you love more than 1 car at the same time 
11.  Cars don’t ask you where ‘this’ is going.
12. Cars don’t feel insecure about the car you had before them.
13. Cars don’t give you hell for looking at other cars. 

So ladies, if you are really honest, you’ll have to admit that you cannot compare to cars. We empathize with your feelings of loneliness, resentment, loss of self-esteem, jealously over the attention and money we spend on our cars but that no reason for you to slam the door!